Sunday, December 20, 2009

bring me a star.
glistening and pure.
one that REALLY shines.
light bursting everywhere.

let's take our sinew and muscle
and set jaws, with fire burning in our
souls, and push through the pain
into radiant freedom and exorbitant
joy and light,

it is Christmas.
white and pure and humbling.
Jesus, our Star, was born.
just for us. that, ultimately, what
was red as crimson can be as white
as snow.

bring me the Star.
i want to be like Him.
the bank at the grocery store
showed i had almost NOTHING in
my account. six days before Christmas.

with tears in my eyes,
i was driving out of the parking
lot when i saw a woman with a sign:
HELP! i pulled over to her. pushed
the window down.

tell me about you.
where you need help.
i just know you are a single
mother like me.

she smiled.
yes. with three sons.
i've tried everything, but
it's Christmas.....
i know. i know, i said.

turned the car around.
back to the bank.

there's a single mother
outside that is desperate.
she seems authentic.
Jesus says unto the least of these...
the hungry, the naked, the abandoned...
we are to love. so, i've returned to get a
little money for her.

the bank teller looked at me.
you hardly have any yourself.

i know. but just a little. i feel
destitute like her. i don't want
to miss Jesus' strong arm of love.

i found the woman.
put the folded cash in
her hand. remember, i tell her,
God's arm is never too short.
and He loves you.

my friend,
judy silverstein,
was telling me that God
uses the weak, and makes
them strong. the unknown.
He raises them to noble assignments
if they are humble. AND, God uses the
strong, but He must break them first
because He will share His glory with no one.

no bragging Christmas letters.
no overlooking of the needy.
no burden of being too busy for

king david.
the disciples.

crushed to be annointed
by the Star. the King of Kings.

three hours after i returned home,
begging God to give my children a
Christmas. all of them coming home.
all of them so incredibly loving to their mother.
three hours, and a knock at my front door.
a beautiful friend i have barely met.
an envelope in her hand. MUCH more
than i gave the woman by the store.

falling prone on my face
with such joy and gratitude and humility.
my friend falling to the floor. lying next to me.
our faces buried in the carpet. crying.
praying. praising God for the Star.

because of the Star,
we can partner with Him in
pouring His love and redemption
over our neighborhoods.

bring me the Star
that i may, somehow,
be holy like Him. beauty
for ashes. joy for mourning.
oh, Star, i come. i come.

Friday, December 11, 2009

"I have come to call not
the self-righteous, but sinners."
matthew 9:13

"i love and hate. i feel better about
feeling good. i feel guilty if i don't feel
guilty. i'm wide open.. i'm locked in.
i'm trusting and suspicious. i'm honest
and i still play games.

i broke every one of the The Ten Commandments
six times tuesday....and the God i've come to know
by sheer grace, the Jesus i met in the grounds of
my own self, has furiously loved me regardless
of my state...grace or disgrace. for His love
is never, never, never based on our performance.
never conditioned by our moods-of elation or
depression. the furious love of God knows no
shadow of alteration or change. it is always
reliable and always tender." brennan manning

i saw the clean morning sky.
heard music across the sunlight.
and this week, i experienced a REAL
miracle. they come if we are patient

something else beautiful happened.
my four birth mothers flew in from across
the country. we stayed at a gorgeous home
on bass lake. friends of mine who offered it
to us. how rare can it be that four beautiful
birth mothers from different places each
delivered a son, and will and i became the
parents. four sons from four courageous
women. and now, brothers.

i decided if any young woman
loved her baby so much she wanted to
give him something more than she thought
she could, that i would train my children
from a very young age about their birth moms.
i taught them to love them. showed them
pieces of themselves just like their birthmoms.
and today, 25 years later, sacred love reigns
among us.

i slept in the bedroom with brandt's birth mom.
my cell was turned off, but beth's was vibrating.
"hi, brandt. did you want to talk to your mom?"
"yes". in a way, it tells the whole story. i'm the
mom. they call me. but they respect and love
their birth moms very much. something i've
worked at many years. we are thick with love
and respect for each other. all of us.

we are a family.
bound by chords..ropes...of love
that cannot be broken. we cooked
and laughed and cried. we talked about
how i've raised the boys. some things we
would all like to change in their life styles,
but they are young men. making their own
choices. and suddenly three of my kids
walked in and surprised us.

everything changed when the birth moms
saw how brandt hovered over his wife, jasmine.
and that when they looked into colson's
face, they SAW the very heart of God at
his core.

we've all returned home.
lonely for each other.
pictures and memories and
moments to be cherished forever.
it began to snow voraciously outside.
and robin, who takes ballet, did a dance
to a praise tape that none of us can forget.

love someone you've been afraid to.
hug and kiss and laugh and forgive and
ask God to show you the beauty in it all.
splash paint across the sky. open your
hearts and allow God to make you brave enough
to take care of yourselves. without fear. and know
i love you. each one who reads this blog.
you help heal my wounds. make me stand tall.
and remember that all God asks is that we
do what we can. jump across the sky
of wounds, and be FREE!