Friday, November 19, 2010

forgive my whining and groaning
about the dmv, and flunking the tests.
oh, please forgive. today, i walked in,
went straight to the counter, no studying.
and passed. hands down.

forgive someone you know you have
a grudge against. make the real power
of the glorious Cross worth what Jesus did.

forgive your children. human and struggling
and losing their ways and trying to find themselves
maybe in all the wrong ways. without forgiving, you
cannot genuinely listen and love and be creative
in how you express their beauty and value to you.

forgive yourselves.
i am ruthless with myself.
my failures and flaws are lined up,
side by side, stamped on the walls
of my closest and hidden places of
my heart.

a dear friend
told me the other night that
she covers for me when certain
people at the church are always
critical and judgemental of me.

why tell me that?
now i know i have all these people
who have negative opinions about me.
i slip into the service.
sit wherever there is a chair.
smile and greet a few people as i leave,
i have a few great friends there, but not
alot. why do people have negative opinions
of me? i don't vie for attention. make a scene.
it's so hard to have perspective with this.

i love that old song that pleads for sinners.
"just as i am,
without one plea...
but that thy Blood was shed for me...
oh, Lamb of God, i come. i come.

just as i am,
and waiting not
to rid my soul of one dark Thee
whose Blood can cleanse each spot...
oh, Lamb of God, i come."

when things get muddy
in our brains, and some things
run together and scramble our
perspective, know that deliverance
most often comes through forgiveness.

drawing so much strength from all
of you who love me and send me beautiful, ann

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

today i went to the dmv.
you know. a BIG room filled
with dozens and dozens of people.
long lines. hard, plastic chairs.
numbers being called. over and over
and over.

looking at my driver's license,

ann, your license is
expired. did you know?

usually, the dmv notifies
people a couple months ahead,
and you respond, and they mail
you a new license. same picture.
the man sitting next to me today,
at the dmv for a different reason,
showed me his driver's license.
now, partly bald and gray...with
his picture from twenty years ago.

i was only told today that i would
need a new picture. as soon as
they snapped it, and i paid my
$31, they handed me a written
test, and told me to go to a cubicle
and take it.

a CALIFORNIA driver's test?!!!
before i moved to california, i never
got anything but a perfect 100% on
my dmv tests. but...
here, they have seven different tests.
and if you miss more than three on one,
they give you a different sheet...clear
down to number seven.

i'm insecure about ALOT of things,
but not my intelligence. no! i'm NOT
brilliant, but can usually hold my own.

without a chance to even look
at a book, and study alittle, i was
handed a pencil and pushed away.
it didn't seem that hard, but all those
questions, and only three misses
allowed. and slipped inbetween the
easier ones, were these sneaky,
insignificant, benign and ambiquous
questions that had at least two choices
that seemed viable.

well, i flunked.
five wrong.
and i was not about
to go home and come another

taking the paper book, i sat down
on the only chair in the entire room,
by a cubicle, and was madly combing
through the pages. making everything...
every little detail...stick. when,
suddenly, a loud voice said,


i looked up.

yes, YOU! what are you doing
sitting in the testing area with the
study guide?

well, there were no other chairs, and
i was waiting for my number to be called,
and cramming for the test....

go to the over side!
did you hear me?
away from the testing area.

tears in my eyes.
do you have to scream at me?
i looked around, and EVERYONE
in the entire room was looking at me.

you are embarassing me.

and suddenly, my number was
called again. almost NO time, again,
to gather my thoughts.

in the end,
i failed all three times.
by one extra mistake.
i have to return, pay again,
and face my shame and terror.

and i plan to return TOMORROW.
after the gym tonight, i will study
that little book until i know it all.
and with great intrepidation, i am
praying that Jesus helps me.

"Jesus loves me,
this I know...
for the Bible tells me so.
little ones to Him belong.
they are weak, but He is strong..."

wherever you are today,
know that you are loved.
that we all fail. are all broken.
sometimes can graduate with honors
from a great university, and still
flunk drivers' tests. i love you. ann

proverbs 3:5-6