Friday, December 24, 2010

it is almost Christmas eve.
please forgive me for not communicating
with you, my fellow warriors and friends,
since right before Thanksgiving.
my first grandbaby, Colben William Anderson,
was born on Thanksgiving day. NOW, i know,
what one feels when your children have a baby.
something so beautiful and pure levels
life out in some miraculous way. all of other
sons and jasmine's brother and mother and i were
all with her through labor and delivery. yes, through
the entire process, we stood and watched this
unforgettable event.

this is such a difficult time for so many.
i have felt so deep under the waters of struggle
and concern that it has made me, literally, put
one foot in front of the other. telling myself,
"just keep moving." pain squeezes our ability
to remember what we have. we are so consumed
by what we don't have. none the less, pain becomes
a gift. it is by gulping a breath of air in the dark waters
of the soul that we realize joy when it does happen.

my book proposal has been sent to all
main publishers. several wanted to negotiate
immediately IF i would just write like the rest of
the world. with full punctuation. conforming with
all the other books in the store. as desperate
as i am for income, i just can't, overnight, decide
to do this. so i wait. wondering how God is
going to accomplish this process. i am so fiercely
open and vulnerable and unveiling that i just
can't decide this overnight. please pray re: this.

wherever you are, today, remember that there
are masses around you that are fragile and devastated
and almost paralyzed by the economy. or with
lost and prodigal children. no income to buy those
they love gifts. shaken by those that won't forgive
or need forgiveness.

this has been the most difficult time for me.
so i am especially touched by those who walk
by. moved by the pain i see etched behind their
half smiles.

Jesus says, "fear not!"
He reminds us that His arm is NEVER too
short to help us. His mercies endure forever.

please forgive this rough blog. from my
heart to this page. no matter HOW hard i've
tried to put together something beautiful for
everyone to read, i have felt too broken myself
to process it all. i love you all. we ARE warriors.
we will NEVER give up. for the King of Glory
will come in.

a beautiful, miraculous Christmas to you all.
i gave a beautiful, little, crippled mexican woman
my dryer.

"i pay you $50. that enough, missus."

"you don't need to right now."

"no, i pay you missus."

her nephews came in and carried
it out to her little red truck.

as she hobbled to hand me the cash,
her face shining, i said,
"elaudia, i won't take your money."

"yes, missus..."

"no, merry Christmas. remember Jesus
really loves you." and i hugged and kissed her.

i had $25 in my account. no idea HOW i was even
going to feed all my children coming home. stark terror.
i was reading in my room when i heard my cell phone,
and knew i had a message.

"ann, i just put $600 in your acct...for Christmas
or rent or whatever you need." mark and julie

$50 given away. $600 given back from God.
without me telling anyone of my seeming devastation.
so GIVE everyone. in whatever way you can. God
will NEVER let you outgive Him. i love you, ann.