Friday, December 11, 2009

"I have come to call not
the self-righteous, but sinners."
matthew 9:13

"i love and hate. i feel better about
feeling good. i feel guilty if i don't feel
guilty. i'm wide open.. i'm locked in.
i'm trusting and suspicious. i'm honest
and i still play games.

i broke every one of the The Ten Commandments
six times tuesday....and the God i've come to know
by sheer grace, the Jesus i met in the grounds of
my own self, has furiously loved me regardless
of my state...grace or disgrace. for His love
is never, never, never based on our performance.
never conditioned by our moods-of elation or
depression. the furious love of God knows no
shadow of alteration or change. it is always
reliable and always tender." brennan manning

i saw the clean morning sky.
heard music across the sunlight.
and this week, i experienced a REAL
miracle. they come if we are patient
enough.

something else beautiful happened.
my four birth mothers flew in from across
the country. we stayed at a gorgeous home
on bass lake. friends of mine who offered it
to us. how rare can it be that four beautiful
birth mothers from different places each
delivered a son, and will and i became the
parents. four sons from four courageous
women. and now, brothers.



i decided if any young woman
loved her baby so much she wanted to
give him something more than she thought
she could, that i would train my children
from a very young age about their birth moms.
i taught them to love them. showed them
pieces of themselves just like their birthmoms.
and today, 25 years later, sacred love reigns
among us.

i slept in the bedroom with brandt's birth mom.
my cell was turned off, but beth's was vibrating.
"hi, brandt. did you want to talk to your mom?"
"yes". in a way, it tells the whole story. i'm the
mom. they call me. but they respect and love
their birth moms very much. something i've
worked at many years. we are thick with love
and respect for each other. all of us.

so....
we are a family.
bound by chords..ropes...of love
that cannot be broken. we cooked
and laughed and cried. we talked about
how i've raised the boys. some things we
would all like to change in their life styles,
but they are young men. making their own
choices. and suddenly three of my kids
walked in and surprised us.

everything changed when the birth moms
saw how brandt hovered over his wife, jasmine.
and that when they looked into colson's
face, they SAW the very heart of God at
his core.

we've all returned home.
lonely for each other.
pictures and memories and
moments to be cherished forever.
it began to snow voraciously outside.
and robin, who takes ballet, did a dance
to a praise tape that none of us can forget.

love someone you've been afraid to.
hug and kiss and laugh and forgive and
ask God to show you the beauty in it all.
splash paint across the sky. open your
hearts and allow God to make you brave enough
to take care of yourselves. without fear. and know
i love you. each one who reads this blog.
you help heal my wounds. make me stand tall.
and remember that all God asks is that we
do what we can. jump across the sky
of wounds, and be FREE!

4 comments:

MrsSJHawkins said...

As always, extremely encouraging and inpirational!

Rebekah Amador said...

Thanks for writing Ann. I've so been looking forward to it!!!

melanie said...

Hi Ann I heard you on Focus on the Family this morning for the first time and your story truly touched me deeply.I am a birth Mum and my son was adopted in 1970 to parents I was not to know until God redeemed us and I met Andy for the first time as a 33 yr old young man. I am blessed beyond measure.
God Bless you and all your family and extended family
Melanie Cape Town

barb said...

Really moved. Your writing makes me cry it's so beautiful.