Thursday, October 29, 2009

"blessed are not the enlightened
whose every question has been
answered and who are delighted with
their own sublime insight....blessed,
rather, are the chased, the harassed
who must daily stand before my enigmas
and cannot solve them."


the curve of the sun.
shining. radiant. warm.
the taste of salt water and
the smell of skin turning damp
and brown.

then....
as we run, laughing. feeling
powerful, joyful. free, the
shadow falls. darkness hangs
over the clear sky.

beauty is gone. sheets
of pain hang over us. push us around.
knocked off balance , we try to find
ourselves again. crawl backwards.
toward power. the joy we once knew.

one of my sons called tonight.
crying. sitting outside in the snow
where he lives.

i'm the only one who works
in this apartment, mom. every day.
a lot of pressure. i go to the food bank.
get the food for everyone who hangs
out at our house. two of my friends are
having sex on my bed right now while
i sit in wet snow.

and his tears flowed.

i'm so lonely for you, mom.
could you please come just for a
couple days. for ANY time at all?
no one likes me. i can't find Christian
friends. a good church. why, mom?!

my youngest son who married the sweetest
girl four months ago just found out his wife
is one month pregnant. it wasn't what they
really wanted. brandt is to deploy to iraq
in may. he'll miss the baby's birth. they
wanted to be out of debt first. they want
children, but this soon?



i'm just a single mother.
of four. i kiss my children in
my sleep. lie on my face by my
bed, urgently praying that these
beautiful sons will find enough of
Jesus in me ... of His promise of
"joy in the morning"...that they
will be men of God's heart...and
willing to allow pain and suffering
to build character and humanity
and humility in them so they can
be wholly God's.

i'm not a lot as a mother.
the best i do is tell them the truth
about life. and that they are my
sun and midnight sky. cool, early
daybreak. that Jesus is our only Hope,
and if they miss Him, then they have missed
the most magnificent Gift of all.

"the poor are willing and easy to direct.
from the sky they can read the weather
and interpret the signs of the times.
MY GRACE IS UNPRETENTIOUS,
BUT THE POOR ARE SATISFIED WITH
LITTLE GIFTS." brennan manning

so, children, hold on to the wind.
when God is done buffeting you,
you will laugh again.and single mothers, and fathers,
stand.
unwilling to be blown
by the agonies of our children, and of
our own journeys.

4 comments:

Julie Evans said...

I am so happy to have found you again, Ann Kiemel. I think I have all your books. They mean so much to me because Jesus drew me to Him, in part, through you. Heard you in Indy when I was in high school. Made you chocolate chip cookies and you sent me a postcard about it a long time ago. I think you said you ate the whole plate of cookies. I prob still have the postcard. Anyway, thanks seems small. But thanks.

Carrie said...

I remember studying in college the verse that said.. I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death... I prayed that prayer alot.... I really wanted to know Him... and 30 years later, He has been faithful...and yet some times, like Job...I had heard of His greatness.... but now I know Him...I only get moments of that, because the pain of raising these many adopted teens and 20 somethings...is so harsh... watching them struggle in the journey of finding Christ in their own story...is more than a mother can understand... MY pain, MY struggle, bring it on... but my kids??? They have seen the church at it's worst...and I can't defend the church.. but I believe in the Christ who was resurrected... I BELIEVE...and I struggle daily watching my kids hearts grow hard....still believing that when they are old, they will not depart... YOU have loved your boys well...I see it in your words... your heart... I pray for your boys too... don't give up... I know you won't!!!! because you too believe in that power of the resurrection.....

lisa said...

Ann, I feel like I know you. I started following you through your books when I became a new christian in 1980. You were one of the first chrstian women that I looked up to as an example. I'm so glad you have started a blog and you still inspire me with your strong faith in God. Thanks for sharing your life with us. You have been a blessing to so many.

barb said...

"i'm so lonely for you, mom.
could you please come just for a
couple days. for ANY time at all?
no one likes me. i can't find Christian
friends. a good church. why, mom?!"

I'm not a mother but this ripped my heart out.

"urgently praying that these
beautiful sons will find enough of
Jesus in me ... of His promise of
"joy in the morning"...that they
will be men of God's heart...and
willing to allow pain and suffering
to build character and humanity
and humility in them so they can
be wholly God's."

Beautiful.