Friday, November 4, 2011

roll, oceans, roll.
run rivers run.
purge and cleanse and redeem
us of all the untouched places within

it is only a dark, tiny fist.
locked against the vast, washed sky
of clear mornings and rolling sunsets.

a tiny fist that takes the glory
of life and the victories promised
right out of the core of all we are and
wish to be. that keeps us stuck and sick.
crooked in our bent. our yearning.

i'm not sure all of you know that almost
two years ago, i went to the gym and ran 15 miles.
that evening i was invited to a home for dinner before
flying out the next day for alabama and a special
event in my honor.

walking out of this home, i tripped, fell and shattered
my left femur and broke my hip. i knew about pain,
but NOT this kind of agony. bone pain wins.
leg swelled three times its normal,
skinny size. i genuinely thought doctors had
transplanted my leg from a corpse in the morgue.

i thrived. that's my m.o...
nurses lined up and watched me fly down the
hall on my walker. i never had to go to a physical
therapy facility. however, suffering became my moan
and plea for relief.

over two weeks ago,
with a rod from my knee to my
hip bone...and screws and pins...
i decided i had to face that little, tiny fist of
blurred struggle planted in my soul. it is not
EVER the SIZE of corruption; just
the fact that it exists.

though i was taking mild pain meds, i knew
how God had once delivered me, and i wanted to see
if i could make it. pill free. checking into a 5-day
detox center, the pain pills were cleansed out of
my system, and i was sent home. i was left with
agonizing pain. insides raw. all endorphins
gone; with weeks to be rejuvenated.
Jesus and i and that tiny speck. doing business.
tough business.

i don't know how to explain this kind of pain.
nothing to soothe the fire that was subdued by
meds. i only know that my enemy is subtle.
slick and smooth in making us believe those
little rocks of trouble that grow in us are easily
wished away. that they are nothing. dear friends...
just check and evaluate. is there
a little, seemingly-inocuous fist planted
somewhere in you. take the leap.
remember courage isn't generated from
within us. courage is a gift from God.

roll, oceans, roll.
run, rivers, run.
until we are purified
and ready for the great things
You have for our tomorrow.

many of you are way ahead of me.
don't have this scratch of darkness.
pray for us who do. i genuinely
love you all, and pray you will forgive
me for my first blog in two months.
just trying to do my
Master's business.
i deeply love you all.

shine stars. shine on.
i already hear the music.


mercygraceword said...

thank you. very much.

TARSmith said...

Ann, I wrote a few days ago just to say you were missed because you'd been gone so long. And now I know why. Hang on, dear sister. Or, better: Lay back and rest in the One who so lovingly hangs on to you. I am one who has a dark and hard place, though it's different than yours. Jesus will keep us and we will get home!

Gail Bumala said...

Thank you for your encouragement. I pray that we all can be encouraging to you as well. I used to be a social worker in long term care. It was a huge surprise to me that women in their eighties, with pelvic fractures, could learn to hop on one leg, with a walker, and go home and cope for themselves. Those with lesser injuries, who turned their face to the wall, would die when they should have lived. Hope was really the deciding factor. Thank you for continuing to inspire hope. God is so good.

Patti said...

My Dearest Ann,

Thank you for sharing. I had no idea you shattered your left femur and broke your hip. I am very sorry. If I could I would transfer the pain and agony you have experienced upon myself. I would do this for I am who I am today because of you, your love and your commitment to Our Father's business. You are deeply loved and cherished. Praying for your comfort and strength.

Love, Patti

hope4today said...

Oh Ann, I checked again today and saw a post. I feltl a deep sense of disquiet at your lengthy absence...but know that the life of women can be tidal wave busy at times.

Good see you back but sorry that the interim has been another challenge in your life. I shoot arrow prayers up for your continued recovery. So grateful you tackled this little evil before it overcame all that you have fought back from.

I live with chronic pain and at times feel the siren call of escaping into oblivion for less than unbearable pain. Bless you for sharing your journey with us!

Tina said...

Ann, I read you in my early twenties. Twenty five years of (mostly) happy marriage and six amazing children (one through adoption)later I am thrilled to find you again. Please, please continue to post. You have SO much to offer your readers. It is my hope that you will never underestimate that fact. Sending love.

barb said...

Ann, Thanks! Pain, it's aweful. I'm sorry for yours. "A tiny fist that takes the glory of life and the victories promised right out of the core of all we are and wish to be" Your post as I sat to read it tonight hits some tender spots in my heart as I'm going through a transition time in my life that is hard. Happy Thanksgiving Ann. I love you. Thanks for being my word warrior and helping me fight the fight!

Karen said...

I was just reading my Bible and stumbled upon a devotion about trust that you wrote & that I have read several times over the years. It always really speaks to me. I thought I would look you up on the internet and found your blog. How nice that now I can thank you personally. Your life and words are an inspiration! Sending you blessings and wishes for a Happy Thanksgiving. Karen

Joe Ragland said...

Dearest Ann, It's Thanksgiving Day and my wife of 23 years went to Heaven now some seven years ago. I know you miss Will and I am so sorrow about your fall. You are a winner and God is not through with you. He delights in you and He has chosen you for His end-time work of love and grace. Don't stop because of these hurting blisters - the finish line in in sight. I would be honored to pray with you and encourage you even more via Skype,, or by telephone - 601-969-5050. From one widow to another let's get back to our writing (our way of running) for the Lord. You will hear those words, "Well done thy good and faithful servant . . . ." Shalom! Love in Christ, Joe M. Ragland, Attorney, Jackson, Mississippi