Monday, February 27, 2012

well.
here i am on monday.
2 p.m. and still in my pajamas.
have had my devotions. eaten.
covered my emails. dragging myself
like a snail. coming up with any detour
i can to postpone what must be done
today for me to have any self-respect
when i go to bed tonight.

jan called. she said i talk too much
about my money situation. as if i am
begging you all to help me. i stopped
breathing. silence and horror pounding
in my head.

jan, i speak about my situation because so
many people today are struggling. the economy is
so bad. i've tried to let my readers know i am
with them. i understand. but... as you say this
(and i am whispering to my sister at this point),
i believe you are right. NOT about people helping
me, but scratching worry lines in my blogs.
exposing my fear and lack of trust in Jesus for
my situations.

tuesdays are always better than mondays.
i've talked myself in to believing this.
but i want to ask you all, who might feel
like my sister, to forgive me. one of my
daily sins is the fear of not making it
every month. the Lord COMMANDS us to
NOT worry. sooo............

pray for me.
and i will, for you. and i am
earnestly going to attempt speaking
without whining and fear.

now. . . i must run. vacuum. clean my
closet. and fit the gym in. before i sleep
tonight. i will, as always, check in to see how
you all are doing. i love you. ann

9 comments:

Sandy said...

Some of us like real. And you are real. In a world that is fake, imitation, and touched up, you are a role model of transparency. Sleep in peace tonight.

airjewell said...

you are so real i feel i can touch you. your writing is even better than it was and it was great. life rarely turns out the way we think it will; we are living proof of that. hang in there sister. who would've ever thought i would say to you, someone i thought was invincible to hang in there. but i like you even more. i love you. wish we could meet again and do lunch. god bless.

airjewell said...

this is me again; i live in northern ca if you want to meet.

barb said...

Ann, I never felt like you talked about money to much.... or that you were begging. In your sharing it gave me strength. These are hard times. Worry and fear are what I struggle with every day after being layed off over a year and a half ago. Still no job no matter how hard I try or how many interviews I have....or don't have.
Feeling crumby because I don't have the faith to trust and not worry like I'm supposed to. Exposing your fear and lack of trust in Jesus for your situation makes you real. Approchable, relateable... thanks.

babsinwa said...

Oh ann.....what can i say....your posts remind me that i am not alone---being in ministry for so many years surrounded by overcomers overcoming--and now years after i have left and life has not turned out the way I thought....money, my children are not following the Lord, --bad decisions made by me and misplaced trust in people who did not deserve it........your posts remind me that Jesus is for me NOW--right here where I am--not just where I was 19 years ago....

Sheryl said...

Ann,

I'm praying for you. I'm so glad you are transparent. You are right. So many of us are in the same situation.

God is faithful.

Sheryl

RobMoritz said...

Wow, who would have ever DREAMED that the two previous commenters, "babsinwa" and "Political Growth" have SO much in common?! :) lol

Love you, Ann! Rob

Jill said...

Dear Ann, a friend of the families posted on facebook a post of yours so I clicked over and spent some time reading your story. Bless your heart. I think if we met I would find you to be a kindred spirit! Hubby and I were in full time ministry till three years ago when he became sick. He has now been disabled 2 years. We lost our ministry, our home and in some respects our identity. We are now in the middle of a very painful and slow goodby. He not only is losing his body but his mind is now compromised. There is silence from the LORD. We have begged for deliverance but he is still silent. I will not turn my back on the LORD and I want to trust Him but it is not easy. LORD I believe, help me in my unbelief. I write to help me cope. I will pray for you. In Christ Alone,
Jill

SusieQ said...

Beautifully written with creative imagery. I have loved to read your writings since I first found them during my college years. The innocence and purity in your heart drew me in.

That little boy will never forget your kindness Ann and I smiled with you as I pictured it in my mind.

Thanks for sharing! What a lift.
Susie